American Dinosaur

Gateway To Hell

Dude where is your Dell? Remember that stupid stoner kid that had a great gig until he decided that he should follow Ricky Williams and make Ganja his life?

Well I think I talked to the little fucker today........and yesterday as well. I think Steven works for Gateway now. I bought a Gateway last summer with a flat screen monitor.

A few days ago an anomaly appeared on the bottom of the screen, a small black sliver of something. It looked like that joyful little reminder of smashing one's thumb with a hammer.

No Biggie, I can deal with that...........Then like a Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma it started growing. At first like a Bad Moon rising it kept getting bigger. Like that zit on your friends chin you cannot help but staring at.

So I decided to call in the calvary. I called Best Buy and did the ten number dance to have the priviledge to talk to a Homo Sapien. After ten minutes of what appeared to be the first technical/warranty/WTF question the store ever received......I was told "I am sorry you need to contact Gateway it is out of our jurisdiction." Huh? I bought the Gotdamn thing from you less than a year ago!

"Well Mr Dinosaur if you read the legalease Mumbo Jumbo bloviopontificoeltorocaca on your receipt it clearly states after thirty days you are fucked" Oh, thanks I said.

Ok I will just go straight to the top! I grabbed a cold one and delved into Gateway's website. Wait just a cottonpicking minute, this looks like the Da Vinci Code where the hell is the "It's broke and needs to be fixed link?" After some skillfull navigation I found the page where you fill in all the info so they can tell you what you already know.

Man time is running out! The thing on my screen is starting to look like the creepy growth on Aaron Neville's forehead! I need to talk to someone fast.

Then it hit me the first Gateway oxymoronic bullshit corporate whizkid-guy-with-a-tie brilliance.......the Remote Assistant auto something or another. ten minutes later I got Gwen GW PR087. Thirty five minutes later she refused to go further until I did a System reboot with BIOS diagnostics and check for cracks in my dilithium crystals........Shit still nowhere. But Wait! here is my "I am up the creek with no paddle Id code number. Plug that badboy in and we will continue!

All systems go and the Half dollar sized solar eclipse on my screen with the actual corona is still growing. I find the page again after my Harrison Ford/Indiana Jones %$#*ing sandbag manouvre and start fresh.

They never heard of me. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome. After entering my ID code ten times it still won't work! I fill out the mortgage request papers again and ten minutes later I get Mitch GW PR093. "Hello Mr. Dinosaur how can I help you?" I am in Bill Murray's Groundhog Day as we jump through the same hoops.

I am not a computer geek, nor did I ride the short bus to school either. I have pounded plenty of square pegs into round computer holes so I am a veteran of the PC world. I started with an Apple 64K, IBM 8088, 286AT, 486 and so on.......I know the son of a bitches inside and out and have a fairly good grasp of computer lexicon.

Why is it then when talking to Gwen GW PR087 and Mitch GW PR093 I actually used the term "Monkeys Copulating With Footballs!" with both of them? Mitch interrogated me for another half and hour and hit me with ultimate customer service torture line........."Mr. Dinosaur it appears you will have to check back tomorrow after we update our records........here is your Id code" ARGGHHHHHHHH!

Mitch buddy don't leave me! When can I call you again? I NEED you! "Check back in twentyfour hours.........click"

I waited until the appointed time and cruised into the twilight zone again. "Hi this is Mike GW PR094, how can I help you?" NOOOOOOOOOO! Mike here is my ID code and off we go. Thirty minutes later Mike GW PR094, you know that twisted sadistic bastard that sits next to Mitch PR093 says "You need to call 1-408-967-8557 and ask for customer assistance."

Honey, I am going to Bestbuy and return this monitor. Somebody there is going to get a RPD1705 Flat screen monitor suppository! "Why not just call the number?" Mrs. Dinosaur exclaims diplomatically.

Do I really need an exercise in futility? More self-induced bitch slapping? WHAT is the point? Fine, fine fine fine fine. I call them and five minutes later a new monitor is on the way.

Have a nice day

GIF from Sondra K

Posted by BillyBudd at July 30, 2005 07:20 PM | TrackBack